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How to Cope with Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can come in a lot of forms but the reason for it almost always boils down to attention.  Usually it’s a battle for the attention of a parent, but can also move out from there to be the attention of almost anyone around the dueling siblings.  The timing on when it can begin can vary greatly – with some kids it starts when the younger sibling arrives and the parents have to begin to pay attention to a newborn that requires a lot more attention than the older sibling.  Other times it can take the form of a younger child trying to take attention from an older sibling who can do things the younger can’t

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Sometimes it is rooted in the differences between kids, be it the gender, age or ability. It can also occur due to the similarities between kids as they seek to differentiate themselves from a sibling.  Whatever the reason, dealing with sibling rivalry can range from annoying to an all consuming frustration that can challenge the skills of even the best parents.

In the worst cases, it is capable of permanently damaging relationships between spouses, parents and children.  Here are some things to consider when you find yourself in the situation.

• The earlier you recognize the problem, the better.  If it can be resolved in the beginning,  changes can be made to the behaviors that can cause permanent damage to relationships before it happens. In other words, nip it in the bud.
• If possible, don’t intervene directly.  As long as there isn’t physical harm being done, letting the kids work it out themselves is best for a number of reasons.  First, it avoids enforcing a notion that the parent is “picking sides” or has a favorite child.  Second, it lets the kids learn conflict resolution and compromise.  Third, one of the reasons for rivalry is to get the attention of a parent and if you solve their problems, they are both getting the attention they are after, even if it is negative.  If it’s possible, simply set consequences if the kids fail to work the problem out on their own.  Rewards are dangerous here because they can also reinforce the behavior you are trying to eliminate.
• Find things are they are good at that are different and emphasize them.  This helps avoid a competition of trying to do the same thing better than each other and gives a place where they can encourage each other to do better without taking away from their own achievements.
• Try to encourage them do spend alone time.  If they are constantly doing things together, then it becomes more likely that they will bicker and fight constantly.  It’s important that they do things together and the family does things together, but it’s also critical to learn to do things on their own.
• Try to set aside blocks of time to do things with them individually.  Make sure this is roughly equal over time and is something the kids like to do, preferably something the other child involved doesn’t like so they don’t feel excluded.
• Make sure to stay on the same page with the other parent.  Kids can be great at playing parents off against each other; communication, cooperation and consistency are of utmost importance in dealing with this issue.

Sibling rivalry is no trivial matter and can have lifelong consequences for the children and the parent.   Learning to deal with it can help teach the children (and parents) skills that will be very valuable, but it has to be handled carefully.